Are You Afraid Too?

I am Afraid…but I don’t want to be…

Recently I logged on to Anne Jackson’s blog and read an old post titled “Are You Afraid to be Amazing?”  Anne’s blog is wonderful and if you would like to check it out, you can click here.  Here’s the excerpt from Anne’s post that got my attention:

I wish I had it figured out by now. I’ve forgiven, the bitterness usually stays at bay, but that fear of getting crushed again keeps a part of me silenced. I’m afraid to?be amazing -?to live to my full potential?-?because last time I was there, my dreams were shot through the heart.

What about you? I know with as many people read this blog, there have got to be some walking wounded. We are each responsible for our own healing…I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I try taking risks or speaking my mind even when it’s scary. What are some steps that you’re taking to live again and to trust again?

This portion of her post struck a chord in me.  I realized that in some ways I am afraid to be amazing.  But why?  Why would I not want to be the most amazing wife, mom, writer…the most amazing at whatever I set out to do? 

I think for me it’s composed of a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that in times past when I have put my entire self out there…to be amazing…my efforts left me exhausted and hurt.  I worked so hard to do my best, to give my everything for the cause in front of me…and it was never really enough. 

I was never amazing. 

The reality of that is hard to grapple with, hard to wrap my mind around and difficult to come to terms with.  But, in the process of making that realization, I also recognized that I am starting to make progress.  I am healing and for me…writing freely is a major part of it.  Speaking my mind, expressing the cares that leave me laying awake at night.  I’m growing through the pain…that is progress for me. 

For years I was silenced and contained.  But…now…I’m not afraid to be vocal.  And personally… I’m thinking that is kind of amazing. 🙂

8 thoughts on “Are You Afraid Too?

  1. Just catching up on your Many posts since our move back to OK in June. You are doing an amazing job of writing so openly and honestly, and it is beautiful. I imagine the lives you are touching is continuing to grow and you are functioning out of your true “sweet spot” in life. I have been feeling awful for not reading your blog and especially for not posting on my own, but this move has been hard on me. Being able to read your honest and sometimes, okay often, challenging words are like CPR to a dying hope, so thank you once again.
    Blessings, as always,

    Heather

    1. Heather I have missed your posts so much. I’m sorry the move has been hard…I hope to hear more about it soon. I can’t wait to keep in touch now through FB…isn’t it grand! Love you my friend…hang in there…the best is yet to come.
      Much Love,
      Jana

  2. I’m going to agree with the others here and say that yes, you are amazing and you being vocal is amazing too. You’re touching so many lives Jana! I actually really connect with this entry. I feel like so many times I sabotage myself into not being the best wife/mom/student/teacher/whatever that I can be because I don’t know if I can “keep it up”. I don’t want to get people’s expectations of me too high and then not be able to continually live up to them. I feel like just recently (literally, the last few weeks) have I been coming closer to living up to the amazingness (hehe, not a word) that I have in myself. It’s incredible and I feel powerful and wonderful. Why didn’t I do this sooner? 🙂

  3. I love Anne’s blog. She makes me think, and encourages me to feel. Too often I get one or the other.

    Part of what I think you are touching on is that we actually aren’t amazing on our own. We are sinners, failures, broken, ill-intentioned, selfish, etc. It is only through Christ that we are changed. We can do some amazing things through our power, but only through Chrit are we made new and made into something amazing.

    Yesterday on Facebook I was sharing that I find it so hard to walk in place of fully accepting that I am such a wretched sinner and in need of a savior, yet to also feel hope and joy over being made new and loved by the creator of all. I was reminded that I was, but now I am. Jana, you were silenced and controlled, but now, being a new creation and daughter of Christ, you are free! That is what is amazing and beautiful!

  4. You are amazing Jana! And taking the chance to use your voice, to take that risk, to be vulnerable is amazing!

    I have this quote, attributed to Nelson Mandella, taped inside my Bible, and in essence he says that we are afraid to be amazing, but who are we not to?? We are children of God – who are we not to be gorgeous, talented and fabulous when God made us?! And in fact, as we give ourselves permission to shine, we unconsciously give other people around us permission to do the same.

    So keep on being your amazing self – as you walk in your freedom, others are set free to follow your example. I know I am! Love you.

  5. YOU are amazing! Your blog and others have given me new insight and the courage to finally talk to my family about my past experiences and appologize for how I treated them when I was in MC. It has lifted a huge burden that I’ve carried for years and that is very amazing to me! I’m so thankful for your honesty and for speaking up.

  6. Yes, not being afraid to be vocal and write or speak freely is amazing, and it’s encouraging to so many!!!

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