I am Afraid…but I don’t want to be…
Recently I logged on to Anne Jackson’s blog and read an old post titled “Are You Afraid to be Amazing?” Anne’s blog is wonderful and if you would like to check it out, you can click here. Here’s the excerpt from Anne’s post that got my attention:
I wish I had it figured out by now. I’ve forgiven, the bitterness usually stays at bay, but that fear of getting crushed again keeps a part of me silenced. I’m afraid to?be amazing -?to live to my full potential?-?because last time I was there, my dreams were shot through the heart.
What about you? I know with as many people read this blog, there have got to be some walking wounded. We are each responsible for our own healing…I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I try taking risks or speaking my mind even when it’s scary. What are some steps that you’re taking to live again and to trust again?
This portion of her post struck a chord in me. I realized that in some ways I am afraid to be amazing. But why? Why would I not want to be the most amazing wife, mom, writer…the most amazing at whatever I set out to do?
I think for me it’s composed of a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that in times past when I have put my entire self out there…to be amazing…my efforts left me exhausted and hurt. I worked so hard to do my best, to give my everything for the cause in front of me…and it was never really enough.
I was never amazing.
The reality of that is hard to grapple with, hard to wrap my mind around and difficult to come to terms with. But, in the process of making that realization, I also recognized that I am starting to make progress. I am healing and for me…writing freely is a major part of it. Speaking my mind, expressing the cares that leave me laying awake at night. I’m growing through the pain…that is progress for me.
For years I was silenced and contained. But…now…I’m not afraid to be vocal. And personally… I’m thinking that is kind of amazing. 🙂