Broken Dreams

2007 – Broussard, LA

I had only known of the life growing inside of me for a matter of days, but it was still devastating for me to know that I may be losing the child we had so desperately believed God for.  Earlier that day Barry told the senior pastor of my pregnancy and his response caught us both off guard.  Instead of rejoicing with us, he seemed aggravated that we had made the decision to have a baby without consulting him first.  However, after years of asking for insurance and being told to wait and trust, we came to the conclusion that our dream for a child could not be deterred any longer.  We forged ahead with our plans and I secretly applied for Medicaid…it was our only other insurance option.  We felt it was time to begin our family and we knew if we told any of the senior pastors that we were trying to get pregnant…they would have most likely discouraged our decision.

Barry and I clung to hope as we drove to the free community hospital late in the evening.  We both felt completely humiliated that this was the type of emergency health care we had become dependent upon since we arrived in Louisiana.  When one of the kind doctors from the church was unable to help us, we were directed elsewhere… and this was the only other choice for many of us.

Hours went by as we waited.  I was tired and in a tremendous amount of pain when Barry gently put his hands on my face and told me he was taking me home.  I hesitated at first, my thinking was clouded due to the circumstances and lack of sleep.  But as we walked to the car, I knew in my heart that what I needed more than anything was to put my feet up and rest.  My body was fighting to keep the pregnancy and the stress of the hospital surroundings made it even more difficult for me to relax.

As I layed in bed that evening I prayed that God’s will would be done.  But deep in my heart I had become so confused by what His will really was.  I fought back feeling as though God was punishing us for going against what our pastors and leaders would have told us to do.  I felt as though we must have acted in disobedience and we were reaping the fruit of our actions.  I cried myself to sleep for the next three nights as my body released the precious little life we so desperately loved.  We were on our way to hitting rock bottom and I couldn’t handle the thought of what else might be lost in the process.

6 thoughts on “Broken Dreams

  1. I am so sorry to hear this! That is a hard blow to take, I haven’t lost a child but being a mom I can imagine! But I can relate to feeling as though you hit rock bottom due to your “lack of faith” in the system, leadership, and God! I remember when I was going through all I was going through and I was told that I would never prosper because I was removing myself from Gods umbrella of protection! I also remember being removed from staff because I was interested in a boy that didn’t belong to the church! O yeah, and there was the curfew of 9pm, and escorted at all times by a staff member at 20 years old and after going through master for 3-1/2 years! Also being told that I was going to be a pastors wife, “I am so glad I got that memo”! And the list continued forever!!! I mean at that time I was indeed rebelling my butt off, but for good enough reason only to set myself free and get to where I am today!

    1. O and there was also part of this I left out that I was told… “you aren’t equally yoked, he isn’t saved”. Well in that rebuke session late one night they forgot to realize that GOD is the only one who truly knows our hearts and if we are saved! And GOD is the only one who can rebuke us! Years later that man has been my husband for almost three years and we have our own family and I love him dearly, he truly makes me feel like a princess, and has helped me tremendously learn be my own person, he helped show me how to love myself since I always felt down like a dog with his tail between his legs, and he help me in many more ways, since he too had come from that youth group!

  2. I truly feel like vomiting right now knowing what you went through. And knowing…that while a pastor’s wife had a MAID they told YOU to go “on faith” which led you to welfare. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad there is a redemption end to this story or I seriously would be unable to read anymore.

  3. Jana, I am so sorry for all that you and Barry have had to go through. Just remember it has made you both much stronger and I am so happy that you finally have the courage to write about it. Bryan and I think so highly of you, even though I barely know either one of you.. you are a light and encouragement to us all. Lovingly, Valerie

  4. I’ve just read all of your posts today and my heart is breaking for all you went through! I had no idea and cannot imagine what this was like to live through. I’m so happy you’ve found peace in what you’re doing now.

    Love you!

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