2007 – Broussard, LA
I had only known of the life growing inside of me for a matter of days, but it was still devastating for me to know that I may be losing the child we had so desperately believed God for. Earlier that day Barry told the senior pastor of my pregnancy and his response caught us both off guard. Instead of rejoicing with us, he seemed aggravated that we had made the decision to have a baby without consulting him first. However, after years of asking for insurance and being told to wait and trust, we came to the conclusion that our dream for a child could not be deterred any longer. We forged ahead with our plans and I secretly applied for Medicaid…it was our only other insurance option. We felt it was time to begin our family and we knew if we told any of the senior pastors that we were trying to get pregnant…they would have most likely discouraged our decision.
Barry and I clung to hope as we drove to the free community hospital late in the evening. We both felt completely humiliated that this was the type of emergency health care we had become dependent upon since we arrived in Louisiana. When one of the kind doctors from the church was unable to help us, we were directed elsewhere… and this was the only other choice for many of us.
Hours went by as we waited. I was tired and in a tremendous amount of pain when Barry gently put his hands on my face and told me he was taking me home. I hesitated at first, my thinking was clouded due to the circumstances and lack of sleep. But as we walked to the car, I knew in my heart that what I needed more than anything was to put my feet up and rest. My body was fighting to keep the pregnancy and the stress of the hospital surroundings made it even more difficult for me to relax.
As I layed in bed that evening I prayed that God’s will would be done. But deep in my heart I had become so confused by what His will really was. I fought back feeling as though God was punishing us for going against what our pastors and leaders would have told us to do. I felt as though we must have acted in disobedience and we were reaping the fruit of our actions. I cried myself to sleep for the next three nights as my body released the precious little life we so desperately loved. We were on our way to hitting rock bottom and I couldn’t handle the thought of what else might be lost in the process.