Choices and Free Will (part 1)

2007 – Broussard, LA

I rushed around the house, I couldn’t find my shoes or my resume.  “UGH…I’m so tired of these stupid job interviews.”  I complained out loud as I ran to the car, directing my gaze to the sky so that God could see the frustrated look on my face.  I wanted Him to help me find a job, I was tired of being patient and waiting on His timing. Money was getting tight and fear of the future was setting in.

I reached into my purse and pulled out the small binder full of scriptures to help ease my mind.  We started off our resignation with such hope, such determination and there I was…questioning if we had made the right decision.  I was facing a battle and I wanted to give in…I was just too tired to really fight.

Sitting in the hot car I read over the scriptures God had spoken to my heart only weeks before.  The word of God was my best friend and favorite weapon against the attacks of the enemy on my faith.  For the first time in years I was forced back to trusting God instead of a man or a group of pastors.  It was freeing and terrifying all at the same time.  Despite the abuse we had suffered, at least we had a human voice telling us what to do.  Now I was alone…with God…talking to Him…trusting Him….or at least trying to trust Him.  I felt silly and distant, I even reintroduced myself to Him because praying to the same God that I felt had abandoned me and left me to suffer…it was difficult and to be perfectly honest…sometimes…it still is.

“Um, Hi God…this is Jana Bishop…I used to know you really well, but I’ve been hurt and now I’m questioning everything about you.  Please forgive me…I know this will take time.  But, I know deep inside that I love you and I want to truly know you again.”  Amen…oh and please, please for crying out loud… GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ JOB!!!

4 thoughts on “Choices and Free Will (part 1)

  1. It hurts my heart so much to see so many of my friends hurt so Deeply! I am becoming more aware of it daily. I have been hurt in ministry as well and thoes pains go deep because they are people you were vaulnerable with and you trusted them. I have also been where I feel the Lord has directed me to step in a new direction and that direction has not been supported by authorities. I was told they would only support my ministry if it was on their terms. All very hurtful things. I am thankful that I have a God who believes in me and directs me in the steps he has for my life. Sometimes I don’t understand the Why or How or When but He always takes care of His Children! I am in transition time right now. God is sending us out on a new adventure. I am trusting Him to provide for us, it is sometimes hard but I will have faith in Him! Jana, thankyou for your realness.

  2. I told my wife almost the same thing tonight. I don’t know where I am without someone else pointing me in the way. I have been praying the same prayers asking God to remind me of what it was like when what I was following was really Him. I have a difficult time separating what is God and what I have been trained to think is God. I’m glad you have put this down for others to read. Like Angela, I thought for a long time I was all alone in this. I have blamed myself for years for not being able to really buy in to what I was told.

  3. Jana,
    I’ve been praying that prayer for years now. Crying out to God to help me find my way back to when i knew him. I’m sitting at my computer and i can barely see the screen because my eyes are full of tears. i know i have said this to you a hundred times or so, but Thank you! Thank you for putting into words the cries of my heart for the last five years. Thank you for you honesty, because knowing that someone else has walked and is walking the road i’ve travelled for so long is like taking a breath again after years of suffocation. Each time I read your blogs I just feel reaffirmed and validated for every thing I’ve walked through since leaving that place, but have been afraid to share cause i thought I was alone. You are amazing!

  4. I’m laughing with tears welling up in my eyes. I LOVE your honesty! Keep it up, girl

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