Choices and Free Will (part 2)

2007 – Broussard, LA

I sat in the lobby of a building that I never even knew existed.  Looking over my notes and resume as I waited.  To my left was the receptionist, she was discretely staring me down and sending emails as she ate peanut M&M’s one by one.  I wondered how many Weight Watchers points a bag of M&M’s had…I wanted to go and rip them out of her hand.  I was nervous and stressed and I wanted chocolate so badly.

Instead of assaulting the poor receptionist, I went over my list of positive qualities in my head.  I’m driven, hard-working, honest and trustworthy.  Why, yes I do know word and excell…yes I am familiar with outlook…blah, blah, blah…the waiting game was driving me nuts.  I looked around hoping to seem important and self-assured.  As if I were trying to decide if the place was good enough for me.  It was…and in my heart I hoped that I would be good enough for them.

The door opened and a kind voice called my name from the hallway.  As I followed the office manager to her desk, I knew in my heart that God in His sovereignty held the job for me.  There was an overwhelming peace during the interview and I could feel the excitement welling up as I left the building and headed to my car.  Maybe God was for me after all…maybe He really did care.

As I drove home my phone rang, it was one of the pastors wives on staff at the church.  When I answered I was greeted with a rebuke in the form of a question…”Why weren’t you at the staff meeting today?”

I stammered my response as she sat silently on the other end of the phone.  They knew I had interviews lined up all week and plus…we had already resigned.  There was no need for me to attend any more meetings, events or services for that matter. We were free from their heavy-handed leadership…at least we thought we were.

“Oh, well…we were really sad to see that you couldn’t make it…the meeting was sooooo good.  The pastor’s wife talked to us about health, fitness and our weight.  She mentioned that she was sad that not everyone was there to hear what she had to say…but I took notes and I’ll make sure you get a copy.”

I sat speechless at the words my dear friend conveyed to me.  They wanted to correct me…one last time.  Drive the thought in deeper that at a size 12 I wasn’t good enough.  They wanted me to think I still needed them.  Sitting in my car, with tears welling up in my eyes I realized for the first time in 4 years I finally had the freedom to make my own choices.

I didn’t want those stupid notes or anything else associated with their picture of beauty or ministry.  I wanted God, I wanted to know what He thought about me, I wanted to follow His will…

I wanted some M&M’s. 🙂

6 thoughts on “Choices and Free Will (part 2)

  1. Jana you are freaking Beautiful. Ughh
    I wish they’d see that the pressure they put on people there causes stress-induced weight gain, for lack of sleep, lack of time to exercise, lack of MONEY to buy the right foods, lack of time to prepare it … And the list goes on. If everyone on staff/MC had a maid and nanny and a personal assistant doing their daily tasks for them (like the women in “leadership”) they would all have time and money to go to the City Club and workout, get a good night sleep, and eat right. Bleh.
    And i am a 12 too. Curvy= hawt 😀

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