Feels Like Home

Barry looked at me and posed an interesting question as he held my hand…”Did you hear anything…do you think this is it?”

I smiled in return and kissed his scruffy face.  “All I keep thinking is Home Sweet Home…this feels right Barry…I think this is the house for us”  Barry turned his attention to the picket fence and laughed as he recalled what he heard in his heart. We both sat starry-eyed as we gazed at the home we had fallen in love with only days before.  In the silence Barry whispered…”I heard… Feels Like Home”

Months went by as we tackled the long process of financing a home.  After years of being in the ministry and living on a very small salary we did not have enough money saved for a substantial down payment on a home.  But God came through…with provision that was above and beyond what we could have ever expected.  Our realtor and the lending agent were both Christians and knew of our situation.  They immediately gave Barry and I the paperwork to qualify for a first time homebuyers loan and a grant to cover the closing costs.  We didn’t need an enormous amount of money to put down.  The little we had saved was more than enough to get us into a home within our means.  Soon we found ourselves unpacking and settling into our new place, new schedule and new-found freedom.  The dust surrounding our circumstances was settling, but the reality of all that we had endured was starting to surface in the form of questions, resentment and shame.

The road to healing was broadening before us and with raw, hesitant hearts we started the journey.

It was hard, very hard to face what we had known and loved for years.  We found it difficult at times to separate truth from lies.  We spent so much of our married life being taught one way of thinking and as we began to ask God the tough questions…His answers weren’t at all what we expected.  We battled wondering if we were hearing Him correctly.

We decided to draw close, but to also keep our distance.  God equaled both love and pain and I couldn’t comprehend which God I had grown to trust the most.  Love healed but pain brought growth.  I knew we needed it all, we needed to heal and grow, but I wasn’t sure I could handle the thought of hurting again…I just wanted to ignore it all and hope that it would go away.

The thought of enduring more heartache was overwhelming, but I knew to get to where we wanted to be…we had to face the painful reality of where we had been.

One thought on “Feels Like Home

  1. Jana,
    Are you reading my thoughts? Peeking through my window at night? Just kidding…
    As I’ve read your story, I’ve seen such similarities woven in and out of it. This post is, I feel, right where my husband and I are now. The joy of freedom and a fresh start and settled down a bit, and now we wrestle with separating the truth we know from the lies that became ingrained in us…I think this phase of healing is especially painful for those of us that have been through abusive experiences. Now that the abuse is over, we seem to think everything is going to go smoothly, but that is not the case. There’s a lot of baggage we carry that we have to sort through and empty out. It can be frustrating and overwhelming at times. But it’s not the end of the story! That is where I find hope…knowing that God is with us in our “wrestling” and will help us through.

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